you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
