Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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