I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
