I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
