We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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