I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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