I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
