I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
