life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
