every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize