I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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