Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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