Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
