You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
