There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
