fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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