I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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