Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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