You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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