She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
