An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I FOUND THE LEGS
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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