I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
