Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
