I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
