hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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