you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
