when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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