i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
