u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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