Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
