If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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