For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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