i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I am one with the molecules
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
