Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
