I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
