dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
