how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
