i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
