Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
