Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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