i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
