hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think i have two assholes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize