I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
