It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
