I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
