hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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