I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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