Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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