Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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