Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
