Umm I'm too high to move.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
