She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
