Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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