Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
