Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
