Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
