My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
