Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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