I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
But theres a keg here and me gusta
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
