I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
